iamnotdiddy™

Shit I've Done: Scary Ocean Edition

Mon, 10 Sep 2012 15:25:03 -0700

Snorkeled with a tiger shark
Hand fed Caribbean reef sharks
Got goosed by a manatee
Swam with wild dolphins
Got bitten by a spotted moray eel
Hand fed stingrays
Snorkeled with pilot whales
Scuba dived with lemon sharks at night
Got the bends
Been 200+ feet below the surface
Shot video for Fox Sports Mexico

"What? Were you born in a barn?!"

Thu, 17 May 2012 15:17:16 -0700

“What? Were you born in a barn?!”

- Questions Obama will never have to worry about answering

Need Hope?

Tue, 08 May 2012 10:49:00 -0700

If you need help or any know anyone that does, please call:

National Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-422-4453

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255

The Trevor Lifeline
1-866-488-7386

National Runaway Switchboard
1-800-786-2929

Veterans Crisis Line
1-800-273-8255

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233

National Sexual Assault Hotline
1-800-656-4673

"It was a Good Friday. I didn’t have to use my AK."

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 18:00:33 -0700

““It was a Good Friday. I didn’t have to use my AK.””

- Je$us

"Lotta mutha fuckas up in this bitch."

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 17:10:34 -0700

“Lotta mutha fuckas up in this bitch.”

- Snooki’s fetus

"IT’S RAINING CATS AND DOGS, PEOPLE!"

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 18:35:37 -0700

“IT’S RAINING CATS AND DOGS, PEOPLE!”

- homeless dude on the corner of First & Oak that’s throwing cats & dogs at people

Serious Question: Galaxy Nexus vs. iPhone?

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 21:07:35 -0800

Do you have a Nexus? If it were a mannequin, would you make love to it? Do you hate it? Are there certain things you hate?

iPhone-ites: Do you do much driving in unfamiliar places? And, if you do, more specifically, which app do you use for GPS/Navigation?

Instead of either, should I just buy more kids and have them make me a phone?

Major dilemna for me. Thought I was going to get an iPhone, but the Nexus is looking pretty sexy right now. And I love Google Navigation and drive around unfamiliar places looking for opium dens a lot.

"You may be too old to get into Disneyland free, but you’re never too old to fuck a mouse."

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 17:53:31 -0800

“You may be too old to get into Disneyland free, but you’re never too old to fuck a mouse.”

- people that fuck mice

"Come on, don’t be like that."

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 13:48:35 -0800

“Come on, don’t be like that.”

- dictionaries, to words that are being a bitch

"Happy Motherfuckin' Belated Birthday"

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 14:00:00 -0800

Dearest Brent,

I realized that I missed your birthday, but I wanted to make it up to you with a song. Sing this to the tune of any Kenny Loggins song…

When I wrote this song
I was thinking about squirrel dong
Sad, but true

(Chorus)
You know what I say
On your special day
Happy Motherfuckin’ Birthday!
But that was Saturday
So I don’t know what to say
Except Happy Motherfuckin’ Belated Birthday!

Maybe you can answer this
Do raccoons hiss
When you try to kiss
Their pee pees

Repeat Chorus

Lots of animals
I loved the TV show “Manimal”
You should Google it
Or not give a shit

Repeat Chorus Again

I just realized
When I look in your eyes
I think of Yanni

Repeat Chorus Again

Once again
I’m thinking of squirrel dong
Why are they so long?

Repeat Chorus Again

joselynhughes: i like this.

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 14:51:24 -0800

joselynhughes:

i like this.

Watch. Funny. Ha. Ha.

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 12:28:44 -0800

Watch. Funny. Ha. Ha.

Need Hope?

Thu, 17 Nov 2011 05:58:00 -0800

If you need help or any know anyone that does, please call:

National Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-422-4453

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255

The Trevor Lifeline
1-866-488-7386

National Runaway Switchboard
1-800-786-2929

Veterans Crisis Line
1-800-273-8255

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233

National Sexual Assault Hotline
1-800-656-4673

"He buys expensive shoes because he thinks bitches love expensive shoes."

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 18:34:46 -0800

“He buys expensive shoes because he thinks bitches love expensive shoes.”

- what a man’s shoes say about him to other shoes

Missed Connection

Sat, 12 Nov 2011 13:31:48 -0800

We were at the DMV. You were the Asian girl with the gay lookin’ boyfriend. I was the “creepy” guy. You were wearing black Uggs. I forgive you. You asked the DMV lady if you could get a new license. I wanted to tell you how good you smelled, but I was too shy. Good news is I overheard your home address. I will be over at 3:17 pm. Will you please ask if that’s a banana in my pocket? That’s my Asian girl fantasy. No restraining orders, k?

I don't get the appeal of sports, or religion, or anything grape-flavoured.

Tue, 11 Oct 2011 06:29:08 -0700

rsmallbone:

Or olives. Or peanut butter. Or licorice. Or getting up early. Or beer. Or reality television. Or living in cities. Or cars with inadequate cupholders.

But knock yourself out. I’m sure I like lots of stuff that you don’t. We can still be friends if you like olives, and I wouldn’t dream of trying to tell you what you should or shouldn’t like.

Unless it’s Salvador Dali. He sucks.

9/11 Remembrance at Citi Field. The “USA!” chants...

Sun, 11 Sep 2011 20:20:29 -0700

9/11 Remembrance at Citi Field. The “USA!” chants were too loud to hear the tears.

Saw a homeless guy sitting in a candy box, so I said, “Home SWEET home!” and we laughed...

Thu, 25 Aug 2011 17:35:03 -0700

Saw a homeless guy sitting in a candy box, so I said, “Home SWEET home!” and we laughed and laughed and laughed. And he told me, statistically, I have $15,799 in credit card debt and live paycheck to paycheck. Soooo funny!

I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a ‘64...

Tue, 23 Aug 2011 11:36:58 -0700

I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a ‘64 Impala, but mostly a rabbit.

Inside My Head: @theduty & @brentcetera

Mon, 15 Aug 2011 15:10:00 -0700

This is how I envision a conversation between @theduty & @brentcetera to go:

@brentcetera: What are you doing?

@theduty: Postin’ shit on the Internet.

@brentcetera: What kind of shit?

@theduty: Funny pictures of raccoons.

@brentcetera: I fucked a raccoon once.

@theduty: And funny pictures of Jesus.

@brentcetera: I fucked Jesus once.

@theduty: And funny pictures of Legos.

@brentcetera: I fucked a Lego once.

@theduty: …

@brentcetera: …

@theduty: Me, too.