STEP 7: Believe. Believe in yourself. Believe in your ability to be a functioning alcoholic.

STEP 10: HIDE YA KIDS! HIDE YA WIFE! So you don’t beat them.

STEP 5: Take a moral inventory of yourself. Start with your balls.

Step 4: Do coke.

Step 3: Relapse.

Step 2: Hide more booze under your kid’s bed because no one will ever check there.

Step 1: Hide a stockpile of booze in a super secret place because you never know when you’re going to want to relapse.

Step 6: Never build a meth lab within 400 feet of a school. Or inside a school. Sorry, janitors.

Step 13: Recreational drug use is still drug use. Make the commitment. Go pro!

Step 9: Enable.

Step 11: An appletini a day keeps the doctor away.

Step 8: Don’t drink and drive. For real. It’s stupid. Especially if you have kids. Teach them to drive. And get them a fake ID for booze runs.