i like this.
Need Hope?
If you need help or any know anyone that does, please call:
National Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-422-4453
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255
The Trevor Lifeline
1-866-488-7386
National Runaway Switchboard
1-800-786-2929
Veterans Crisis Line
1-800-273-8255
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233
National Sexual Assault Hotline
1-800-656-4673
He buys expensive shoes because he thinks bitches love expensive shoes.
“
| — | what a man’s shoes say about him to other shoes |
Missed Connection
We were at the DMV. You were the Asian girl with the gay lookin’ boyfriend. I was the “creepy” guy. You were wearing black Uggs. I forgive you. You asked the DMV lady if you could get a new license. I wanted to tell you how good you smelled, but I was too shy. Good news is I overheard your home address. I will be over at 3:17 pm. Will you please ask if that’s a banana in my pocket? That’s my Asian girl fantasy. No restraining orders, k?
I don’t get the appeal of sports, or religion, or anything grape-flavoured.
Or olives. Or peanut butter. Or licorice. Or getting up early. Or beer. Or reality television. Or living in cities. Or cars with inadequate cupholders.
But knock yourself out. I’m sure I like lots of stuff that you don’t. We can still be friends if you like olives, and I wouldn’t dream of trying to tell you what you should or shouldn’t like.
Unless it’s Salvador Dali. He sucks.
Saw a homeless guy sitting in a candy box, so I said, “Home SWEET home!” and we laughed and laughed and laughed. And he told me, statistically, I have $15,799 in credit card debt and live paycheck to paycheck. Soooo funny!
Inside My Head: @theduty & @brentcetera
This is how I envision a conversation between @theduty & @brentcetera to go:
@brentcetera: What are you doing?
@theduty: Postin’ shit on the Internet.
@brentcetera: What kind of shit?
@theduty: Funny pictures of raccoons.
@brentcetera: I fucked a raccoon once.
@theduty: And funny pictures of Jesus.
@brentcetera: I fucked Jesus once.
@theduty: And funny pictures of Legos.
@brentcetera: I fucked a Lego once.
@theduty: …
@brentcetera: …
@theduty: Me, too.
