February 2011
15 posts
Once upon a time...
I worked in a call center for a charity organization. I’d call several hundred people a day asking if they’d like to donate to save a life or keep kids off drugs or make sure mimes never enter their home, steals all their wine, and rape their dog(s). It was heavily scripted and we had to use our real names per “policy.”
All of our calls were on an auto-dialer. Immediately...
January 2011
32 posts
“It’s been real, yo.”
– Pinocchio, talking to a yo-yo
I had sex once in 1993. Not to brag, but I was an animal. I went for a good hour before I realized she wasn’t going to orgasm because she deflated.
9"
lafix asked: Happy Black History month. Well, not yet. It's still a week away. Don't be happy yet. Wait until next week and then be black AND happy. For now, just keep being black.
I was once a model… a hand model to be more specific. My hand appeared in numerous national - international if you include South Dakota - catalogs. I modeled a sea sickness relief bracelet, Don’t Barf on a Boat™ or something like that. I didn’t get paid or anything, but the guy said I had the most delicious hands he’d ever photographed. Probably what made me the most nervous was the auditions. He...
sucittam asked: If I could get paid to kick you in the dick all day, I'd say "No thanks, I'll just do it for fun."
NPR Interview: Trey Parker & Matt Stone, South... →
“There’s nothing you shouldn’t joke about. It depends what the joke...”
– Ricky Gervais
“When I feel alone, I pretend Caprice Crane is my best friend and then I...”
– me
Fine. Whatever.
TEN FACTS
Name - Not Diddy
Nicknames - Not P. Diddy, Not Sean John, & Not Puffy
Any birth marks - Massive foreskin
Hair color - Black
Natural hair color - Black
Eye color - I don’t have eyes. Kind of a dick question, don’t you think?
Height - 5’ 9.65”
Mood - Magenta
Favorite color - Black
One place you want to visit - Tibet
TEN THIS OR THAT
Love or lust -...
Facts of Life
If three or more VW Beetles are on a bridge at the same time, it will collapse.
The tough don’t really “get going.” They go to IKEA and eat meatballs.
Women that wear leather jackets are called “pleathers” in France.
Figments of your imagination do not actually contain figs. Or men. Or igme.
The color “baby blue” was named because of a baby choking on...
Truthful Tuesday
I’ve was standing next to a friend when he got struck by lightening for the second time in two years. I laughed. He didn’t think it was as funny as I did and was all, “Fnogf km vdu if dfgn vl csvbk ok v nj og ff jv gg v ch j nbc f dj o oj gdw rt yi op hg cv…” and stuff.
“Your balls are showing.”
– candid camera
“Dad, what’s a “Brazilian?”
“Like the person? Or when a woman shaves her coochie?”
“…”
“Well?”
“What’s a “coochie?”
“A coochie is where a woman hides things… like… like a safe.”
“What kind of “things?”
“Just “things,” okay?”
- 5 minutes later -
“Grandma, do you shave your coochie?”
“…”
“You know, your safe deposit box?”
"Fax broadcasting photocopies of dicks."
“Why is it so little?”
– everyone
3 tags
2 tags
angelahelga asked: How distressing that I didn't know what a covered wagon was. I blame the schools. I'm sure you're aware of the sub-par school system in California. It's a miracle I can even tie my shoes. If only I could audit your classes now, I might have a second chance at a *real* education.
misscook asked: Is that ketchup on your shirt?
husky-jon-deactivated20110802 asked: What's the meaning of life? LOLJK that's too easy, it's bacon.
Did that damn chicken ever get to the other side of the hypothetical road or not?
Did that damn chicken ever get to the other side of the hypothetical road or not?
therealpottymouth asked: i like that your avatar is energy-efficient. do you rely on whiskers to maneuver around the darkness?
thisdirtybird-deactivated201101 asked: I'm just wondering how you feel about nipple tassels and watermelon?
dresspants asked: What's your dream job?
Mine's running away from monsters while naked.
Mine's running away from monsters while naked.
“Dollar make ya holla, but a yen make ya have sex with a taxidermied albino panda...”
– ancient Japanese businessman proverb
1 tag
Dear Brent,
For your birthday, I wanted to do something super special, but theduty was all, “I’m not for sale, asshole!” So, I had to go back to the drawing board. After racking my brain for weeks, I thought I had come up with the perfect gift, but you can’t buy dinosaur semen because apparently they are “extinct.” Anyways, I wrote you a rap song, which, between you and me,...
“I’m so gay for you.”
– Mario Lopez talking to his dimples