December 2010
17 posts
Product Pitch Meeting
“Okay, I think I’ve really come up with the next big thing this time.”
“You said that last time, Robert, and we had to sell all three million of those at dollar stores.”
“I know. I know. But, this one is the one.”
“Fine. Let’s hear it.”
“Okay, for a moment, think about all the pressures kids face today… teen pregnancy, poor education, Justin Bieber, dads that say, “Holla!”
“Yeah, but where...
“Man, sinners clean up well.”
– Jesus, at Christmas Eve mass
“21 days of Christmas? Fuck this shit.”
– dyslexics
1 tag
Hush, Little Baby Shut the fuck up, kid. Stop with the crying. I’m going to rape the rain forest and catch you a bird. And if that bird won’t sing, I’m going to sell it on the black market and dig you a blood diamond. And if that blood diamond turns to brass, I’m going to sub-contract out to Indonesian children a “looking glass”… whatever the fuck that is....
“Who the fuck are these people?”
– every husband that opens a refrigerator plastered with Christmas cards
RIP Blind, Diabetic English Spring Spaniel with a...
You ate 3,298 rolls of toilet and lived five years more than anyone anticipated. You cost me a ton of money and and I’d pay every cent of it again. You barked every night at 3:00 am when you needed to pee and every day when you greeted us at the door. You pissed me off daily and gave my kids memories that will stick with them for life. Despite what I called you when you ate my favorite jeans...
Inside My Head
When I’m sitting on a plane, I like to play “Random Dude or Air Marshall?” First, I ask everyone around me if they are an Air Marshall because they are required by law to say yes. Seriously*, look it up. Then, when none of them fess up, I wait for them to go to sleep and start touching their junks (and lady junks) to see if they are packing heat. To date, I’ve never found...
Operation MD
I touched @DoogieHowser_MD tonight and it made me tingly inside… deep inside… by, like, my taint. His lady friend is pretty nice, too.
On A Jetplane
I hate when you board a plane and the stewardess (because I refuse to call them “flight attendants”) says, “Excuse me, sir. Due to FAA regulations, you can’t carry on THAT much KY. I have no idea how you made it through security with that, but call me.”
4 tags
“THE ROOFIE! THE ROOFIE! THE ROOFIE’S ON FIRE!”
– what frat boys are REALLY saying
SUCK
1 tag
Wordfued
Hey, you! Yeah, you. If we were playing Wordfued and I resigned, I didn’t resign because I hate you or anything. Some of you, sure, I hate you (@sucittaM only). The rest of you are pretty awesome, BUT I haven’t been around. I will resume normal programming when I can and stuff. Shakalaka.
1 tag
Union Oyster House
Eat there.