January 2012
2 posts
"Happy Motherfuckin' Belated Birthday"
Dearest Brent,
I realized that I missed your birthday, but I wanted to make it up to you with a song. Sing this to the tune of any Kenny Loggins song…
When I wrote this song I was thinking about squirrel dong Sad, but true
(Chorus) You know what I say On your special day Happy Motherfuckin’ Birthday! But that was Saturday So I don’t know what to say Except Happy...
December 2011
1 post
November 2011
3 posts
Need Hope?
If you need help or any know anyone that does, please call:
National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-422-4453
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
The Trevor Lifeline 1-866-488-7386
National Runaway Switchboard 1-800-786-2929
Veterans Crisis Line 1-800-273-8255
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233
National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673
“He buys expensive shoes because he thinks bitches love expensive shoes.”
– what a man’s shoes say about him to other shoes
Missed Connection
We were at the DMV. You were the Asian girl with the gay lookin’ boyfriend. I was the “creepy” guy. You were wearing black Uggs. I forgive you. You asked the DMV lady if you could get a new license. I wanted to tell you how good you smelled, but I was too shy. Good news is I overheard your home address. I will be over at 3:17 pm. Will you please ask if that’s a banana in my pocket? That’s my Asian...
October 2011
1 post
I don't get the appeal of sports, or religion, or...
rsmallbone:
Or olives. Or peanut butter. Or licorice. Or getting up early. Or beer. Or reality television. Or living in cities. Or cars with inadequate cupholders.
But knock yourself out. I’m sure I like lots of stuff that you don’t. We can still be friends if you like olives, and I wouldn’t dream of trying to tell you what you should or shouldn’t like.
Unless it’s Salvador Dali. He sucks.
September 2011
1 post
August 2011
4 posts
Saw a homeless guy sitting in a candy box, so I said, “Home SWEET home!” and we laughed and laughed and laughed. And he told me, statistically, I have $15,799 in credit card debt and live paycheck to paycheck. Soooo funny!
Inside My Head: @theduty & @brentcetera
This is how I envision a conversation between @theduty & @brentcetera to go:
@brentcetera: What are you doing?
@theduty: Postin’ shit on the Internet.
@brentcetera: What kind of shit?
@theduty: Funny pictures of raccoons.
@brentcetera: I fucked a raccoon once.
@theduty: And funny pictures of Jesus.
@brentcetera: I fucked Jesus once.
@theduty: And funny pictures of Legos.
...
“Can you believe those douchebags that don’t where bluetooth headsets?”
– douchebags
July 2011
7 posts
Chill the fuck out. And don’t molest...
Inside My Head
If you “go under the knife,” shouldn’t you at least get to pick which knife. Granted, I’d have a hard time choosing the perfect knife given my extensive collection of antique butter knives I’ve acquired through the years as an amateur butter knife collector. Actually, who am I kidding? I’m a fucking pro’s pro when it comes to butter knife collecting....
June 2011
26 posts
Fake Band Name
Playtex Sharpie
Dr. Dre sampling Kenny Loggins and Kenny G, while I yell things like “YOU NEVER PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN!” and “DON’T DRINK OUT OF THE MILK CONTAINER, YOU ASSHOLE!”
Missed Connection
We were at 7-Eleven. You were wearing a white dress and red high heels. I was wearing the 7-Eleven uniform per “policy”. You were in line behind the blind guy. I pretended to give his cane a blow job because he couldn’t see me and, you got to admit, it was funny. You asked for a pack of Marlboros. I said, “Would you like a slurpee?” in my best Indian/racist voice. You...
Missed Connection
You were on Delta flight 2378. I was sitting in the back row, middle seat. You were sitting in First Class. I really had to take a dump, but the bathroom line was epic… like 10 deep, so I snuck into First Class. That’s when I saw you. You were drinking a gin & tonic. And I said, “I’d like to be the lime in your nice tits.” because you have nice tits. It got...
This one time...
…when I was seven, I woke up and there was a mountain lion in my bedroom. At first I was a little scared, but then he looked at me and said, “What the fuck are you looking at?” and I realized I had nothing to be scared of. I mean, the talking mountain lion had to be a dream, right? And I was a skinny kid, so there wasn’t much to eat if it was a real mountain lion. Then, out...
Foodspotting →
chococrepes:
Think of it as a food-focused tumblr sort of site.
Watchfunnyordie:
I Wanna Be A Kardashian
Eli Braden dreams of becoming Koo Koo Kardashian.
“Bitches be straight trippin’ and shit.”
– dope ass dog sitter
“If Sarah Palin gets laser boobs before me, I’m going to be sooo pissed....”
– things I think @lafix things
“I bet that cat won’t be able to get away if I tape it’s legs to my...”
– things I think thoazilla123 thinks
12 Step Program (for people that can't count)
STEP 7: Believe. Believe in yourself. Believe in your ability to be a functioning alcoholic.
STEP 10: HIDE YA KIDS! HIDE YA WIFE! So you don’t beat them.
STEP 5: Take a moral inventory of yourself. Start with your balls.
Step 4: Do coke.
Step 3: Relapse.
Step 2: Hide more booze under your kid’s bed because no one will ever check there.
Step 1: Hide a stockpile of booze in a super...
“Why are my legs soooo white? That’s disgusting. Vagina.”
– things I think dresspants thinks
“YES! ONLY 12 KIDS AWAY FROM BEATING THE DUGGAR FAMILY! Shit, how many kids do...”
– thinks I think @ruthakers thinks
“Clap on! Clap off! Clap on! Clap off! Clap on! Clap on! Gotcha, bitch!”
– thinks I think betterversionofme thinks
“Obtuse women harmonica vagina beach business card Purell.”
– things I think @plemur thinks
“What would you do if I sang out of tune? Go fuck yourself.”
– things I think @bestgirlbetty thinks
“Jesus Christ! I thought *I* was stevewhitaker in Piictu. Haha, man, he almost...”
– thinks I think stevewhitaker thinks
“That looks like a little cow. I could totally drive right through that...”
– things I think @Miss_Cook thinks
I’m stevewhitaker in Piictu.
RIP @markusbrutus
Thanks for the laughs. You will be missed. Greatly.
“I wonder why @iamnotdiddy doesn’t show up at my book signings wearing, well,...”
– things I think @capricecrane things
“Fuck it. Penis lunch bags for everyone.”
– things i think @rsmallbone thinks
“I’d tap that. Twice, if Bel Biv Devo is on KRNK 98.7, Classic R & B...”
– things I think @Squibble thinks
“I wonder what butterflies wear to bed. Beer is good. Remember when I had sex...”
– things I think @sucittaM thinks
“If you can’t tell the difference between an orange and a grapefruit, you...”
– things I think @theduty thinks
“Honestly, I can’t believe it’s not butter, because this cat is just...”
– things I think @brentcetera thinks
May 2011
5 posts
“Look, mom! No hands.”
– a guy who once put his hands in the air and waved them like he just didn’t care
A Spoonful of Sugar
I’ve been trying to make a joke ot of this for three days, but I got nothing, so here it is…
I was at Costco on Thursday and saw a blind transvestite. Literally blew my mind. Looked about 45 years old and dressed like an old lady… Kinda like Mary Poppins with a penis.
“Man, it’s so stressful trying to pick my favorite kid.”
– guy who’s never heard of Russian roulette
