Shit I’ve Done: Scary Ocean Edition
  • Snorkeled with a tiger shark
  • Hand fed Caribbean reef sharks
  • Got goosed by a manatee
  • Swam with wild dolphins
  • Got bitten by a spotted moray eel
  • Hand fed stingrays
  • Snorkeled with pilot whales
  • Scuba dived with lemon sharks at night
  • Got the bends
  • Been 200+ feet below the surface
  • Shot video for Fox Sports Mexico
What? Were you born in a barn?!
Questions Obama will never have to worry about answering
Need Hope?

If you need help or any know anyone that does, please call:

National Child Abuse Hotline

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

The Trevor Lifeline

National Runaway Switchboard

Veterans Crisis Line

National Domestic Violence Hotline

National Sexual Assault Hotline

It was a Good Friday. I didn’t have to use my AK.
Lotta mutha fuckas up in this bitch.
Snooki’s fetus
homeless dude on the corner of First & Oak that’s throwing cats & dogs at people
Serious Question: Galaxy Nexus vs. iPhone?

Do you have a Nexus? If it were a mannequin, would you make love to it? Do you hate it? Are there certain things you hate?

iPhone-ites: Do you do much driving in unfamiliar places? And, if you do, more specifically, which app do you use for GPS/Navigation?

Instead of either, should I just buy more kids and have them make me a phone?

Major dilemna for me. Thought I was going to get an iPhone, but the Nexus is looking pretty sexy right now. And I love Google Navigation and drive around unfamiliar places looking for opium dens a lot.

You may be too old to get into Disneyland free, but you’re never too old to fuck a mouse.
people that fuck mice
Come on, don’t be like that.
dictionaries, to words that are being a bitch
"Happy Motherfuckin’ Belated Birthday"

Dearest Brent,

I realized that I missed your birthday, but I wanted to make it up to you with a song. Sing this to the tune of any Kenny Loggins song…

When I wrote this song
I was thinking about squirrel dong
Sad, but true

You know what I say
On your special day
Happy Motherfuckin’ Birthday!
But that was Saturday
So I don’t know what to say
Except Happy Motherfuckin’ Belated Birthday!

Maybe you can answer this
Do raccoons hiss
When you try to kiss
Their pee pees

Repeat Chorus

Lots of animals
I loved the TV show “Manimal”
You should Google it
Or not give a shit

Repeat Chorus Again

I just realized
When I look in your eyes
I think of Yanni

Repeat Chorus Again

Once again
I’m thinking of squirrel dong
Why are they so long?

Repeat Chorus Again