I realized that I missed your birthday, but I wanted to make it up to you with a song. Sing this to the tune of any Kenny Loggins song…
When I wrote this song I was thinking about squirrel dong Sad, but true
(Chorus) You know what I say On your special day Happy Motherfuckin’ Birthday! But that was Saturday So I don’t know what to say Except Happy Motherfuckin’ Belated Birthday!
Maybe you can answer this Do raccoons hiss When you try to kiss Their pee pees
Repeat Chorus
Lots of animals I loved the TV show “Manimal” You should Google it Or not give a shit
Repeat Chorus Again
I just realized When I look in your eyes I think of Yanni
Repeat Chorus Again
Once again I’m thinking of squirrel dong Why are they so long?
If you need help or any know anyone that does, please call:
National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-422-4453
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
The Trevor Lifeline 1-866-488-7386
National Runaway Switchboard 1-800-786-2929
Veterans Crisis Line 1-800-273-8255
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233
National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673
He buys expensive shoes because he thinks bitches love expensive shoes.
“
—
what a man’s shoes say about him to other shoes
Missed Connection
We were at the DMV. You were the Asian girl with the gay lookin’ boyfriend. I was the “creepy” guy. You were wearing black Uggs. I forgive you. You asked the DMV lady if you could get a new license. I wanted to tell you how good you smelled, but I was too shy. Good news is I overheard your home address. I will be over at 3:17 pm. Will you please ask if that’s a banana in my pocket? That’s my Asian girl fantasy. No restraining orders, k?
I don’t get the appeal of sports, or religion, or anything grape-flavoured.
Or olives. Or peanut butter. Or licorice. Or getting up early. Or beer. Or reality television. Or living in cities. Or cars with inadequate cupholders.
But knock yourself out. I’m sure I like lots of stuff that you don’t. We can still be friends if you like olives, and I wouldn’t dream of trying to tell you what you should or shouldn’t like.
Unless it’s Salvador Dali. He sucks.
9/11 Remembrance at Citi Field. The “USA!” chants were too loud to hear the tears.
Saw a homeless guy sitting in a candy box, so I said, “Home SWEET home!” and we laughed and laughed and laughed. And he told me, statistically, I have $15,799 in credit card debt and live paycheck to paycheck. Soooo funny!
I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a ‘64 Impala, but mostly a rabbit.
